This is a story that will make ME look bad, but I put it
down on paper anyway as a reminder of how I need to be more flexible, accepting
and better about faking it when I need to.
The scene is set at the birthday dinner of Onions friend we call “Lao
Queen (LQ)”, or “Old (in the wise and revered sense of the word) Queen.” I’ve
been out to dinner with him a number of times and he’s someone that I put up
with but would not choose to be friends with were I to meet him on my own. The
first word that comes to mind when I think of him is, “bossy.” LQ has invited a
group of 17 of us to a nice dinner and most of us arrive and are seated around
a large round table. I’m seated with Onions on my left, an empty seat on my
right and LQ and another guy named Nick directly across from me across the
diameter of the table.
The first order of business is sorting out who’s drinking
what. Baijiu (think high proof alcohol), red wine and beer are the alcoholic
options. Seltzer and Coca-Cola are the two non-alcoholic options. As you all
know, I don’t drink alcohol, but is something I believe LQ simply can’t
comprehend. When I first met him, he always pushed alcohol (or it seemed to me)
in my face and I simply refused. Am I being rude when I do this? I might be, but at this point with LQ, I
don’t drink on principle because I don’t want him to think he can push me
around. I will admit that the way I refuse the alcohol might be obnoxious and
I’m no longer exceedingly polite in my refusal. I just say no. Once the drinks
get poured (this takes upwards of 10 minutes it seems) then the food starts to
arrive.
At some point, I look down and text on my phone and I gather
that LQ or someone else is speaking to me and I don’t hear. At this point, LQ tells me, in Chinese, “no
phones.” Of course he’s joking, but I internalize it as him “bossing me around”
because he does that to everyone. But I simply react badly being told what to
do. So I’m already on edge. Then the conversation starts and it’s mostly LQ and
Nick talking and telling stories and the rest of us listening and answering
when being “called on” to speak. They never call on me, fine by me, as I really
have nothing so say. But as a non-Chinese speaker I can follow the conversation
but it really takes a lot of concentration. And as all of us who have ever been
in that situation, after a while, I simply need a rest and drift off and don’t
pay attention. In addition, they use slang and as they have more to drink, they
don’t enunciate as clearly so it’s harder for me to follow.
Throughout the evening, Onions and I are being toasted by
other members of the group. One thing that I know I am supposed to do is to
toast the birthday boy. Now once piece of information that LQ loves to remind
everyone is that I, by my presence in the room, remove him from being the
oldest person in the room as I am two weeks older than him. I’m the elder
statesman. So in Chinese I say, “from the oldest person to the second oldest,
Happy New Year and Happy Birthday!” Immediately, Nick makes fun of my Chinese
because apparently the way I said second oldest was a way that one can call
someone a “dick.” I didn’t know. And the fact that he made fun of my Chinese
and started talking back to me in “baby English” really angered me. The rest of
the evening anyone who spoke to me, didn’t speak to me in Chinese but in their
infantile voice English. I know they were trying to practice their English and
trying to be nice but I found it obnoxiously patronizing. I just began shutting
down and tuning out. I just mentally gave up and starting watching the clock
waiting for the time we got to go home.
But then, the last guest arrived and he sat next to me.
Hoping for a nice quiet person that I could just have a conversation with and
enjoy the rest of the evening, I got the exact opposite. I got a loud, very
heavy drinking friend who quickly became the center of attention. He pounded
the baijiu and so everyone was focused on him and because I was right next to
him, they probably saw the fact that I wasn’t enjoying myself, not smiling, not
even really engaged in the evening. The guy next to me is the kind of guy who
goes around and makes fun of people. One guest had recently gotten some curls
put in his hair. The teasing got so relentless that the perm guy’s boyfriend
had to tell the guy on my right to shut it.
The last half hour of the evening is a blur, not in the
drunken sense for me, but just that my body language and posture signaled that
I clearly didn’t want to be there anymore. I had no stories to tell and many of
these friends in this group were rehashing old drinking stories. I had nothing
to add. And I’m not one to find drinking stories fun to begin with anyway. As
we were putting on our jackets and leaving, both Nick and the guy to my right
asked me to introduce me to friends that I know are single. I lied and told
them that they wouldn’t find my friends that interesting and that they aren’t
really that attractive, personality-wise. But inside I was thinking I would
never introduce these guys to my friend.
A few hours later, at home, after a contentious subway ride
where I told Onions I didn’t have a good time and suggested that next time I
don’t go, Onions got a text from LQ asking him why I didn’t enjoy the dinner.
Onions spent the next few minutes, I think, putting out the fires that I caused
(or at least I think I caused).
But it’s the next night, after dinner, when I sat down with
Onions and told him what angered me, specifically my Chinese getting made fun
of. Onions started to defend his friend and say, “well that’s just what they
do, and you need to accept it.” WOAH!
And here’s where I have to make fun of myself for being the more “needy”
one in the relationship. I had to tell him (and I’ve heard this from some of my
female students that they need) that even though I need to be tougher in that
situation and let it go that I got made fun of, but in that moment, I needed
Onions to take MY SIDE and AGREE WITH ME and SYMPATHIZE WITH ME!!! After a few minutes of me explaining what I
wanted and needed was able to at least just let me complain without defending
his friend Nick. But I know that he was internally rolling his eyes!
So there were lessons here. First, I’m just going to have to
play along at these dinners and be more cordial. I’m going to have to fake
enjoying myself, which is hard for me. And I’m going to have to put up with
obnoxious “baby English.” But the biggest lesson and reveal is that I’m the
more traditionally “feminine” one in our relationship. HAHAHAHA!
